The following text is taken from community.humanetech.com, the public forum of the Center for Humane Technology. Andrew Murray Dunn, CEO and co-founder of Siempo, had shared a draft version of his company's privacy policy, and I had responded with some suggested edits.
I put your original language in italics and my suggested revisions in bold.
Any defined terms used but not defined in this Privacy Policy are defined in…
Any terms used but not defined…
Comment: original is not logical.
Except as specifically stated in this Privacy Policy…
Except as stated in this Privacy Policy…
Comment: adverb is not needed.
you may be unable to access certain parts of our Services
you may be unable to access certain Services
Comment: concise language is better.
This helps us serve more relevant content and information.
This helps us provide you with more relevant content and information.
Comment: serve is ambiguous here. Revision provides an object for the verb (you) and clarifies the action and who is benefitting.
We may use subcontractors, vendors, or other third-parties in order to efficiently provide our Services to you (“Service Providers”). Service Providers may provide services including, but are not limited to, providing data hosting and credit card processing services. Some Service Providers will collect information directly from you. Information collected directly from these Service Providers is governed by their privacy policies. You should view the privacy policies of Service Providers before providing information to them.
We may use subcontractors, vendors, or other third parties [hyphen not needed] in order to provide our Services (“Service Providers”). Service Providers may provide services including, but not limited to, providing data hosting and credit card processing services. Some Service Providers will collect information directly from you. Information collected directly by [not from] these Service Providers is governed by their privacy policies. You should review [not view] the privacy policies of Service Providers before providing information to them.
We may disclose Usage Information and aggregated information that cannot be used to personally identify you without restriction.
Comment: curious about what “without restriction” means in this case.
Notwithstanding anything to the contrary in this Privacy Policy, we may disclose or share your Personal Information in order to comply with any court order, law, or legal process, including to respond to any government or regulatory request, or if we believe disclosure is necessary or appropriate to protect the rights, property, or safety Siempo, our customers, or others.
We may disclose or share your Personal Information in order to comply with any court order, law, or legal process; to respond to any government or regulatory request; or to ensure the protection of the rights, property, or safety of Siempo, our customers, or others.
Comment: parallel construction is better in a case like this. Revised language is clearer, stronger, less wordy.
We may disclose your Personal Information in order to enforce or apply our Terms and other agreements, including for billing and collection purposes.
We may disclose your Personal Information to such agencies in order to enforce or apply our Terms and other agreements, including for billing and collection purposes.
Comment: verb needs object.
Disclosed when Collected: For any other purpose, when that purpose is disclosed by us at the time that you provide the Personal Information.
Comment: suggest moving this. It is a general statement that should not be embedded in a list.
We strive to provide you with choices regarding the information you provide to us. We have created mechanisms to provide you with the following control over your information:
We strive to provide you with choices regarding the information you voluntarily share with us. The following mechanisms enable you to have control over your information:
Comment: revision is clearer, stronger. The word provide should not be used as the verb in each main clause because its meaning shifts.
If you do not wish to have your email address used by us to promote our own services or third parties, you may opt-out of receiving to such promotional messages by selecting the “unsubscribe” button as provided on any email communication from us.
If you do not wish to have your email address used by us to promote our Services [capitalize as elsewhere] or those of third parties, you may opt out of receiving such promotional messages by selecting the “unsubscribe” button provided on any email communication from us.
Comment: small errors corrected.
We have implemented measures designed to secure your Personal Information from accidental loss and from unauthorized access, use, alteration, and disclosure. Unfortunately, the transmission of information via the internet is not completely secure. Although we do our best to protect your Personal Information, we cannot guarantee the security of your Personal Information transmitted on the App. Any transmission of Personal Information is at your own risk. We are not responsible for circumvention of any privacy settings or security measures contained on the App.
We have taken measures to secure your Personal Information from accidental loss and from unauthorized access, use, alteration, and disclosure. However, the transmission of information via the internet is not completely secure. Although we do our best to protect your Personal Information, we cannot guarantee the security of your Personal Information transmitted on the App. Any transmission of Personal Information is at your own risk. We are not responsible for circumvention of any privacy settings or security measures contained on the App.
Comment: this really belongs in a site-usage or terms-of-service page. There is a kind of warning latent in the language that may bother the reader. You don’t want to introduce such a disruption, especially late in the policy.
We operate the App from the United States. If you are located outside of the United States, please be aware that information we collect will be transferred to and processed in the United States. By using the Services, or providing us with any information, you fully understand and unambiguously consent to this transfer,
We operate the App from the United States. If you are located elsewhere, please be aware that information we collect will be transferred to and processed in the United States. By using the Services, or providing us with any information, you understand and consent to this transfer,
Comment: redundancy doesn’t improve clarity. Language should be clear, simple. Adverbs aren’t needed.
It is our policy to post any changes we make to our Privacy Policy on this page. If we make material changes to how we treat our users’ Personal Information, as determined in our sole discretion, we will notify you by email to the email address specified in your account and/or through a notice on the App. The date the Privacy Policy was last revised is identified at the top of the page.
On this page, we post any changes we make to our Privacy Policy. If we make material changes to how we treat your Personal Information, we will notify you by email to the address specified in your account and/or through a notice on the App. The date the Privacy Policy was last revised is identified at the top of this [not the] page.
Comment: start with important part first, “on this page.”
To ask questions or comment about this Privacy Policy and our privacy practices
To ask questions or comment about this Privacy Policy
Comment: strike practices because it implies there are things that are important but not included in the policy.